Maybe it began as I tried to grapple with my new identity as a parent. 

Or when my body endured days without sleep. 

Maybe it began as I watched my daughter scream for hours during her colic months. 

Or when I noticed the bright red stretch marks running across my new body. 

Maybe it began as I spent entire days nursing my newborn without a break for myself. 

Or maybe it began from the fear I felt after my daughter endured a traumatic event. 

Maybe it began from living in a constant swirl of cortisol just trying to find my way. 

Or maybe it is that all of these moments in parenthood played a role in the depth of my postpartum depression. 

Whatever it may be, I feel it is important to share my experience with the hope it may help one of you. 

The Unknowingly Postpartum

I somehow knew that things had gotten bad but I couldn’t see through the denial I was living in. I was living on fight mode - surviving each day - and I didn’t know how to turn it off. I repeatedly told my family and loved ones I was “fine”, I was “just tired” each time they checked-in. 

Deep down I questioned why I felt so saddened by my motherhood journey, why I felt such lack of worth. This little voice of reason that questioned my mental well-being was far overshadowed by the loud fear of others and their judgment. 

I feared for what people would think of me for experiencing PPD. I feared for their quiet judgement and lack of understanding. 

So I let it happen, I allowed all these feelings of failure and deep motherhood guilt to slowly consume me. I let this happen until I had nothing left. I was numb and cold. I couldn’t see tomorrow. I had no energy or strength. I broke and I broke hard. My partner collected the pieces around me and helped me reach out to my people, my family, my support. We underwent some much needed damage control together. 

A plan was set, tears formed pools, and my heart began mending back together. I could feel the warmth of myself peering through the dark that had almost completely consumed me. And for the first time in what I realized was 3 months I felt hope again. I now continue to mend this healing part of me as I wrap myself in love and kindness for the beautifully challenging journey I have taken on as a mother. 

I had to learn the hard way that it was okay to admit that parenthood is downright tough - tough on the body emotionally, physically, and mentally. Especially as a first time parent. And that pretending to be “okay” ended up hurting me 10X more than having a plan put in place to prevent my PPD from reaching the extent it did. 

So much of what I went through and continue to go through could have been prevented. Early prevention is key. An action plan communicated with your loved ones. This may not guarantee you will not experience PPD but it will help you be more aware of changes within you and supports to access. I encourage you to just be honest with those around you and have strong communication about negative thoughts and emotions while enduring your postpartum period. I also encourage you to plan for a set time to have some self care within every day. 

I want to also mention to check-in on your partners who may be experiencing PPD as well. Their is a common misconception that postpartum depression only affects females or mothers. This is not true. It is possible for partners, adoptive or foster parents, and others to also experience postpartum depression. 

I share my story because I know despite the efforts to normalize postpartum (which I am forever grateful for) there is still so much fear of judgment and lack of awareness. 

So please, please don’t wait until you break like I did. Please reach out and connect in with your partner or family about any changes in yourself. And please know there is no quick fix or one size fits all. Your experience with PPD will be unique to you. It may look like increased anxiety and decreased appetite. Or it may look like irritability and loss of concentration. We are all different 🤍. Be proud of yourself for yourself for acknowledging something has changed within you and embrace the healing process as it comes. 

You will always have a lending ear and an open heart with me as well. 

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Xx Nikki

If anyone would like to share their personal experience with PPD, know you are so welcome to do so. In fact, I invite you to.